dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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