We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
