Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
