I can text with my tongue
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
