i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
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