if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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