Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize