when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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