i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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