Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
