I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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