just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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