so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
