why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
