You smell like a Billy Joel song
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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