thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
smell my finger.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
