I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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