Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
