is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
