Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
