I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
