4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize