So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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