yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
3 2 1 whiskey
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
