If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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