I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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