38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
