The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
