In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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