I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
