and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
