I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
