Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
