Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
