Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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