i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
