okay pat passed out under dana's car
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
