4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
