She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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