Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this will be a night to untag.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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