What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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