Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
