Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize