Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.

(859): View more from Kentucky

i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

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(607): View more from New York

: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend

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(901): View more from Tennessee

There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.

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(850): View more from Florida

It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"

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(518): View more from New York

Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook

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