Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
