I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We are all done wearing pants today
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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