he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize