I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
