I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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