I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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