I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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