Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
