Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
