I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize