This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
