call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
