i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just threw up on my dentist
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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