I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
