i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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