Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
