my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
