Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize