3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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