She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
