70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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