and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
