I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
