a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When are your genitals available?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
