I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
