I'm eating all of the evidence.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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